here's one for you all (no animals were harmed in the making of this joke):
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking,the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate, and walked out.
Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then he found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.
"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate
it. The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."