OMG Taz! That's hilarious!!!
I guessed Paul & another name I can't remember now.
Phil?
Don?
Rick?
Come out & play ninth ~ We promise, NO whackin
Phil?
Don?
Rick?
Come out & play ninth ~ We promise, NO whackin
Steve, sorry, you're right, I was trying to cut corners there! 
here's one for you all (no animals were harmed in the making of this joke):
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking,the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate, and walked out.
Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then he found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.
"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate
it. The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
here's one for you all (no animals were harmed in the making of this joke):
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking,the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate, and walked out.
Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then he found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.
"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate
it. The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
You may be right though Pete with the surfer thing. the Ninth Wave is the most powerful combination of sea and wind. I suppose that is a surfers paradise?
However I believe Reno is a bit out of the way for surfing? I am guessing Johnathan!
However I believe Reno is a bit out of the way for surfing? I am guessing Johnathan!
Pete! I can just see that! I guess they'd tell us if it's not okay that we're not G rated. lol
A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband! Thats against the law. I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Dang the torpedoes and full speed ahead with the OFF Color jokes
______________________________________________________
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at werk to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
______________________________________________________
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at werk to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
LOL Shirley!
Thank God I didn't put away the kleenex yet
Edit--you too Taz (and as usual, typing at the same time I am)
Thank God I didn't put away the kleenex yet
Edit--you too Taz (and as usual, typing at the same time I am)
And to think I was going to bed and getting ready to miss all the fun!
8 pages and 1234 hits so far!
8 pages and 1234 hits so far!
Alright we gotta get the lawyers again!
_____________________________________________________________
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
_____________________________________________________________
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
I have tears streaming down my face here!OK, I have one I want to post, but I'm not sure - it might be deemed politically incorrect......... decisions decisions....
Come on Pete Ya always have the delete post tab. Lord knows I have been victimized enough by it in the last two days!
TY Shirley and Ninth Wave
TY Shirley and Ninth Wave
OK Pete I will break the politically correct barrier!
_____________________________________________________________
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dollar fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
_____________________________________________________________
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line.
Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .
She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dollar fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
OMG my ribs hurt! MM, I keep my kleenex right here. Good thing too.
YVW Taz. I thought of Ninth when I did that. LOL
C'mon Pete. Tell us! Tell us!! I'll loan ya my sunglasses and you can post incognito. lol
YVW Taz. I thought of Ninth when I did that. LOL
C'mon Pete. Tell us! Tell us!! I'll loan ya my sunglasses and you can post incognito. lol
ROFLMAO @ that one Taz!
OK, hang on, it's coming, I have to type it out........
OK, hang on, it's coming, I have to type it out........
While we wait for Pete I will post this SUPPOSEDLY true story!
___________________________________________________
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Dang... is it midnight already?"
___________________________________________________
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Dang... is it midnight already?"
Well, I hope this one's okay. Are we aiming for them to give us that "private" board?
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
OMG Shirley! 
OK we now know that Pete is a Hunt and Peck typist!
OK you lot, you need to build the picture in your heads.....
Harold Smith marries Minnie, and they set off for their honeymoon. Harold unfortunately has a pronounced stutter, and Minnie has something of a nervous twitch, which gets worse when she is excited.
They arrive at their hotel, and proceed to Check In.
'H-H-H-Hello' says Harold, 'w-w-w-we have booked the H-H-H-Honeymoon Suite. I am M-M-M-Mr Smith, and this is M-M-M-Mrs Smith'.
'Welcome' says the clerk, 'and may I offer our congratulations, and wishes that your stay be a happy one? Geoffrey! Please take Mr & Mrs Smith up to the Honeymoon Suite'.
And off they all go.
15 minutes later, the clerk is puzzled that Geoffrey has not re-appeared. 'John! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey please'.
And away goes John.
15 minutes later, the clerk is even more puzzled that neither Geoffrey or John have re-appeared. 'Robert! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey and John please'.
And away goes Robert.
15 minutes later, the clerk is seriously annoyed that none of the porters have re-appeared. 'What the hell is going on here?' he mutters to himself, 'I'll go up myself!'
The clerk knocks on the door of the Honeymoon Suite. harold answers the door, 'T-T-Thank G-God you're h-h-here' he says, 'c-c-c-come in quick!' Fearing the worst, the clerk rushes in.
There on the bed is Minnie, spreadeagled, stark naked. Geoffrey has one arm pinned down. Likewise, John has the other arm pinned down. Robert has one leg pinned down. The men are sweating profusely, this is hard work!
The other, unfettered leg, is thrashing about wildly, as is Minnie's head.
'Oh my God!' yells the clerk, 'is she having a fit?'
'N-N-N-Never m-m-m-mind t-t-that!' screams Harold, 'g-g-g-grab that leg and p-p-p-pin her d-d-down!'
The clerk does as he is bidden, unsure what is going to happen. He turns to look at Harold, who is now tearing his own clothes off.
Harold leaps on top of Minnie, grabs a firm hold (of what you can make your own minds up), and screams.......
'W-W-W-Whoopee, l-l-l-let h-her g-g-g-go!'
Harold Smith marries Minnie, and they set off for their honeymoon. Harold unfortunately has a pronounced stutter, and Minnie has something of a nervous twitch, which gets worse when she is excited.
They arrive at their hotel, and proceed to Check In.
'H-H-H-Hello' says Harold, 'w-w-w-we have booked the H-H-H-Honeymoon Suite. I am M-M-M-Mr Smith, and this is M-M-M-Mrs Smith'.
'Welcome' says the clerk, 'and may I offer our congratulations, and wishes that your stay be a happy one? Geoffrey! Please take Mr & Mrs Smith up to the Honeymoon Suite'.
And off they all go.
15 minutes later, the clerk is puzzled that Geoffrey has not re-appeared. 'John! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey please'.
And away goes John.
15 minutes later, the clerk is even more puzzled that neither Geoffrey or John have re-appeared. 'Robert! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey and John please'.
And away goes Robert.
15 minutes later, the clerk is seriously annoyed that none of the porters have re-appeared. 'What the hell is going on here?' he mutters to himself, 'I'll go up myself!'
The clerk knocks on the door of the Honeymoon Suite. harold answers the door, 'T-T-Thank G-God you're h-h-here' he says, 'c-c-c-come in quick!' Fearing the worst, the clerk rushes in.
There on the bed is Minnie, spreadeagled, stark naked. Geoffrey has one arm pinned down. Likewise, John has the other arm pinned down. Robert has one leg pinned down. The men are sweating profusely, this is hard work!
The other, unfettered leg, is thrashing about wildly, as is Minnie's head.
'Oh my God!' yells the clerk, 'is she having a fit?'
'N-N-N-Never m-m-m-mind t-t-that!' screams Harold, 'g-g-g-grab that leg and p-p-p-pin her d-d-down!'
The clerk does as he is bidden, unsure what is going to happen. He turns to look at Harold, who is now tearing his own clothes off.
Harold leaps on top of Minnie, grabs a firm hold (of what you can make your own minds up), and screams.......
'W-W-W-Whoopee, l-l-l-let h-her g-g-g-go!'
Hey Taz, it was a lot of typing, OK?