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Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin I seem to have started something with the 'Dark Side Girls' (ha, chance'd be a fine thing! Cool ) I think Shirley and Miss Member (I wonder what her name really is?) will forever be known as the DSGs!

@ninth_wave - c'mon, the suspense is killing me!

Sorry Roll Eyes I'm stuck on a boring global conference call listening to a lot of people prattling about nothing of any importance... so I'm being mischievous Razz
Hello all you rabble-rousing message board junkies, Dark Side Babes and Thread Hijinxers: Miss
Shirley, HandlePete, Evil Santa, and especially Miss Member who started it all by instigating a
certain Whack-a-mole on the head outburst of internet violence, not to mention stirring up a
(ninth?) wave of self-doubt to infect not only my long-held sense of gender projection online
(what, you were expecting a coherent sentence?), but even my semblence to earthly beings such as
yourself has been brought into question! (Mars indeed!)

Since you have all done such a inspired job of cajoling me out of my innermost online secret, I
will now and forthwith reward all of you breathless readers with the jaw-dropping moment of
universal truth you have just been dying to know since yesterday - are you ready!

OK that was the big buildup, now for the seriously anti-climatic truth: Sorry to disappoint all you
doubters, and cheaters who voted both ways, but the I'm afraid the majority wins this one. The
Ninth is definitely a guy. (Phew! Glad that's over.) Anyway I hope no one is too disappointed,
because if you are I'll send Miss M to whack you with a piece of Aunt Bertha's fruitcake! And if
that doesn't get you straight, there's always my new Lewisville Slugger from Evil Santa)

To all of you fine keyboard jaspers out there, the poll has been a great fun for me, and I hope a
bit of diversion for you. Thank you all for participating, and for your patience, not only in
waiting for the not-so-big revelation, but for wading through all this incredibly overblown
nonsensical piece of prose, which will finally end with these words of wisdom: If you want a long
and happy life, DO NOT eat that fruitcake. Wink Wink Wink
AHHHHH.....As soon as I read 'dark side BABES' I KNEW i was right Smile Guy all the way!
Thanks ninth for putting up with our foolishness, but it was alot of fun...not much else to do during maintenence, eh?
And if anyone gives you a hard time you just let me know, I'll grab the other dark side babe (I like that) and we'll give them a whackin' for ya Wink
Geez, look what I started with a simple sentence! Who woulda thunk it? Smile



Oh, and keep a'wonderin Pete...that's MY little secret Big Grin
bleh! fruitcake!

I knew it! hmmm, and I wonder what Your name is... lol Thanks Ninth, for the fun nonsensical piece of prose. Big Grin Nothing anti-climatic about it. And we'll never tell. hehe

Taz, you can have my lumps of coal. I still just want the snow. lol Grab your gloves everyone and let's have at a good ole fashioned snowball fight!

Pete, you still on that call? Come on. We can sneak up on 'em! You too Miss Member! We dark side babes MUST stick together. lol Razz
Well MR ninth_wave, to be absolutely honest, I had been leaning toward guy but was still a bit unsure.....although after I saw that sentence I KNEW...I think 'babes' is something a guy would say more than a girl would say..??
Anyhoo, very glad to have this much fun (this is the best board I've ever posted on) and glad we now know a little something about the mysterious ninth_wave Smile Smile
YES!!! I got it right! Well, so did most of us I guess Smile Glad to hear you are a guy ninth, that means I haven't totally lost it in my old age.

I'm finally off that dumb call, and then went straight to bed, now back up and back online working at 0700 Frown

I have to say I like the sound of the Dark Side Babes - even better that DSGs. Big Grin

OK All this cheek pinching going on? Taz want in
Ninth dont't look now but snowballs coming
8880 and Shirley to think this all started off as whackin Ninth
All right 8880 how long we keep this and up?
quote:
I wonder how long we can keep this thread alive and at the top??? Til next year maybe?
I do believe that is a good possibility
It does seem as though we do have most of us forum regulars here! With the exception of ChooChooGuy?
Hi Ninth I also ran it through and came up with your interpretation. I updated it to make a bit more sense after running it through an interpreter and it now comes out like this "One day we will rule the world , nothwithstanding for today this market place will to work"
Latin is such an archaic language and these online translators do not do a very good job Confused
Edit:OK Ninth you removed your post? Now this one does not make any sense!
And to think I took 2 years of it in high school, correspondence course no less, and don't remember a thing. Great use of my time don't you think?

Miss M, it doesn't say anything about a whack but I'm sure Steve would be glad to add that on somewhere.

Edit - I removed it because, somehow the latin phrase I entered into the translator was slightly different than yours, even though I did a copy/paste. I'll never figure that out, anyway the translation came out very weird. When I came back to enter the correct translation, you had already posted it, so then my new post would not have made sense. Make sense? The blood vessels in my brain are bursting trying to figure this out. "Lions, tigers, and bears! Oh my!"
OK Ninth you asked for it! Nonus est iam iens ut whack octoginta duodeviginti octoginta
I editted my Latin after you cut the original Ninth , when I checked my original I came up with the ford thing also! I just tried a phrase in a translator of English to English and came up with this "Ninth is at this time successive change of place permanent impulse ship ship ship " for this "Ninth is now going to whack eighty eight eighty"
Hey, I like B movies! It's the C,D, and F movies I hate.

Shirley - Miss M says she throws like a guy (softball star). Better be on her side when the snowball fight starts. I bet us guys can put up a pretty good fight too, so you better practice up.

Edit: I waiting for them to kick us off the boards as it is, maybe we shouldn't push it. Big Grin (Just think of all the gigabytes of memory we're tying up.)
quote:
Taz, you've got some great cute li'l smileys! Love 'em! lol
Thank you Miss Shirley!
As for the emailing someone on here you can add people as buddies and supposedly use that for
quote:
The buddy list is used for starting new private messages.
But it does not work it only shows the persons profile?
I like the B movies also but ya gotta admit there are some pretty bad ones you run into!
I think if they were going to kick us off this post they would have done it already????
This IS the lounge and I'm sure eventually one of these days we'll get tired of this...But not today Big Grin
It's great to have new friends!

BTW I can't find a way to email thru Auctiva either, but:
1) I'm computer-challenged
2) It's alot more fun when we're ALL here
Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin

And everyone else is always welcome to add to the silliness Smile
Why would they kick us off the boards Ninth. We are the UNPAID help! Just think of all the time we save them answering questions and keeping support requests from being filed.
The least they could do is give us OUR own posting area.
BTW 8880 I believe Ninth was referring to my comment
quote:
Hey guys we could hit the suggestion board and tell them we would like our own private playground/ posting area
when he posted this
quote:
Edit: I waiting for them to kick us off the boards as it is, maybe we shouldn't push it. Big Grin (Just think of all the gigabytes of memory we're tying up.)

Edit: That was a joke BTW Ninth I WAS NOT condoning hijacking the suggestion boards, so don't get any ideas Dark Side Babes!
Last edited by tazfrompa
OK I can't resist!
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"

"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
ROFLMAO - I've just been catching up on all these posts you guys made while I was in the land of nod, you're a funny bunch! Big Grin

So, we now know Shirley and Miss Member are blondes huh? Super! Cool But, still don't know Miss Member's real name Confused

By the way, a little warning as we move into the festive season. I was reading an article in the newspaper about the dangers of drinking - fair scared the beejeezus out of me Eek So, I have made up my mind, and I am giving up!



Reading, that is! Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin Big Grin
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a
magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have
one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my
husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss
my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very Dog ruff 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful Tiddleywinks appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
Hey all, yup MM This thread will be alive for awhile! Here is one for you!

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's


Old? Yes Apropos. Maybe
By the way Miss M good thing you were not by a mirror when you typed the last post!

quote:
Now I'm SURE this thread will stay alive till next year....look at all the views it's gotten, I think it's up to 800 & something.....

Here 8880 just a bit of a peace offering!

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Sorry that took so long. Daughter called. Smile Uhoh Taz. Better be careful with my clues then.

A blonde has a stroke of luck and gets herself a red convertible sports car. It's her dream car! She decides to dye her hair red to go with the car and she loves it.

So she's riding on a country road in her new sports car with the top down, her new red hair flying in the wind, enjoying the view.

She sees a flock of sheep and thinks... hmmm, I've always wanted a sheep. She stops and walks out to the sheep herder, tells him she always wanted a sheep of her own, and asks him "If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one?" He thinks to himself, now what are the odds of that, and tells her "Sure, you can have one if you can tell me how many there are."

She guesses 289, and the sheep herder is shocked! She got it!! He says "Well ma'am, a deal's a deal. Choose which sheep you'd like and it's yours." So she picks one and heads back to her convertible with it, just ecstatic to have a pet sheep to go with her new car and her new hair.

The sheep herder comes running up yelling "Ma'am, ma'am! Stop! Wait!!" She waits for him to catch up to find out what all the yelling's about.

He tells her "If I can tell you what your original hair color is, can I have my dog back?"
LOL Evil Santa is a baaaaaaad boy! Wink

Ya probably heard this one...

A burglar broke into this house. He's creeping through the living room and hears "Jesus is watching you." He stopped in his tracks, listening and all was quiet. He crept a little farther and heard again, louder "Jesus is watching you."

Terrified, he freezes and looks all around frantically. Finally, he sees a parrot in a corner.

He asks "Was that you that told me Jesus is watching?" "Yes" said the parrot. Relieved, he asked the parrot "What's your name?" "Clarence" said the parrot.

"That's a stupid name for a parrot! What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said "The same idiot that named the Rottweiller Jesus."
OK are you going George Carlin on us here Shirley? EDIT: And now you have deleted your reference to that word so now again my post makes no sense! Ninth did it to me yesterday and you today! George Carlin Seven Dirty Words
PLEASE do not click this link if GRAPHIC language offends you! YOU have been warned!

BTW Shirley I believe you already said it!

I liked the joke but where are the blondes. OK Jokes in general now. But I still have some Blonde zingers saved up
Knowing that Miss M sells Harley items she may??? appreciate this one

What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.
Last edited by tazfrompa
Alright, I just can't stick to the blonde jokes. Big Grin

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesnt matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Alright I will go off the blonde jokes for a bit

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
Hi everybody,
Back only for a few minutes...just had to see how this thread was progressing Smile
Shirley ~~ LOVE the Jesus/Rottweiler joke! I heard that one a couple days ago...reminds me of my own lil' 90 lb. puppy.

As for ninth_wave (where IS he anyway??) I guess...Paul? or Don? No particular reason, I just don't know! C'mon ninth, here we go again!
Yeah it is Thursday night almost time to go out for a few twist-offs and a couple games of pool!

One more blonde joke and a zinger also before I go!


A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
________________________________________________

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Have a great evenin' Taz!
Wonder how many posts are in 7 pages. Big Grin

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"Youre finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari."
OK the twist-offs were great the pool was better but I darn sure missed YA'all

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet and octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play the thing!" The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off I'm gonna screw it!"
LOL Taz! Big Grin

A blonde is driving on the highway. She looks over and sees another blonde in a wheat field, rowing a boat. She stops and gets out of her car and says, "What are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the wheat field replies, "Fishing."

The first blonde says, "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and kick your butt."
Wheat field? Why is she rowing in a wheat field? Is that like trying to get rid of a yeast infection? I just do not get it?
OH well I guess that leads into corn-flakes perfectly!

----------------------------------------------------
Why are blondes like corn flakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

-----------------------------------------------------
Why not one more before I sign off for the night!

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
Cause wheat's wavy I guess? lol
G'night Taz. To follow your ball deodorant -

Two guys went into a bar and had a few too many beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.

All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his buddy screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate.

He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said "Everytime I flush the toilet something reaches up and squeezes my balls." (can I say that? LOL)

His friend shook his head and said, You dumba$$, youre sitting on the mop bucket.
LOL @ all the jokes!

So! It's Susanne? Hmmm, nice, it goes with the eyes! Hey, how you doin'? Cool

Don't know about having a life, but need to spend time with my boy before stuffing him into bed at night, then need to spend time with OH before stuffing her into bed at night, by then too knackered to come back on here! I need my beauty sleep (boy, do I need it!)

I reckon ninth is a surfer dude (ninth wave, and the avatar), so what is a good cool surfer dude name guys? C'mon, you will all know these better than me. Wayne? Clint? Rock? Confused
Steve, sorry, you're right, I was trying to cut corners there! Red Face

here's one for you all (no animals were harmed in the making of this joke):

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking,the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate, and walked out.
Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then he found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate
it. The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
Big Grin Pete! I can just see that!
I guess they'd tell us if it's not okay that we're not G rated. lol

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband! Thats against the law. I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Dang the torpedoes and full speed ahead with the OFF Color jokes
______________________________________________________
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at werk to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
Alright we gotta get the lawyers again!
_____________________________________________________________
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
OK Pete I will break the politically correct barrier!
_____________________________________________________________
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dollar fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
While we wait for Pete I will post this SUPPOSEDLY true story!
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Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Dang... is it midnight already?"
Well, I hope this one's okay. Are we aiming for them to give us that "private" board? Big Grin

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
OK you lot, you need to build the picture in your heads.....

Harold Smith marries Minnie, and they set off for their honeymoon. Harold unfortunately has a pronounced stutter, and Minnie has something of a nervous twitch, which gets worse when she is excited.

They arrive at their hotel, and proceed to Check In.

'H-H-H-Hello' says Harold, 'w-w-w-we have booked the H-H-H-Honeymoon Suite. I am M-M-M-Mr Smith, and this is M-M-M-Mrs Smith'.

'Welcome' says the clerk, 'and may I offer our congratulations, and wishes that your stay be a happy one? Geoffrey! Please take Mr & Mrs Smith up to the Honeymoon Suite'.

And off they all go.

15 minutes later, the clerk is puzzled that Geoffrey has not re-appeared. 'John! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey please'.

And away goes John.

15 minutes later, the clerk is even more puzzled that neither Geoffrey or John have re-appeared. 'Robert! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey and John please'.

And away goes Robert.

15 minutes later, the clerk is seriously annoyed that none of the porters have re-appeared. 'What the hell is going on here?' he mutters to himself, 'I'll go up myself!'

The clerk knocks on the door of the Honeymoon Suite. harold answers the door, 'T-T-Thank G-God you're h-h-here' he says, 'c-c-c-come in quick!' Fearing the worst, the clerk rushes in.

There on the bed is Minnie, spreadeagled, stark naked. Geoffrey has one arm pinned down. Likewise, John has the other arm pinned down. Robert has one leg pinned down. The men are sweating profusely, this is hard work!

The other, unfettered leg, is thrashing about wildly, as is Minnie's head.

'Oh my God!' yells the clerk, 'is she having a fit?'

'N-N-N-Never m-m-m-mind t-t-that!' screams Harold, 'g-g-g-grab that leg and p-p-p-pin her d-d-down!'

The clerk does as he is bidden, unsure what is going to happen. He turns to look at Harold, who is now tearing his own clothes off.

Harold leaps on top of Minnie, grabs a firm hold (of what you can make your own minds up), and screams.......

'W-W-W-Whoopee, l-l-l-let h-her g-g-g-go!'
One more. Big Grin
I'll say g'night now Pete and hope you have a great day!
Hi to Ninth if ya stop by. Smile

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said "In a harbor, I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
Looks like Miss S and I are on the same schedule (again) Smile
You probably have a giant coffee in hand too, just like I do!
I hope I have a happy Friday, since I have to go back to work tomorrow and Sunday but at least I'm off Christmas Eve and Day. As I said somewhere else, I'm glad I've been off this past week so I could participate in this foolishness Big Grin
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullsh*t with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York, running for President of the United States. Act like it!