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OK are you going George Carlin on us here Shirley? EDIT: And now you have deleted your reference to that word so now again my post makes no sense! Ninth did it to me yesterday and you today! George Carlin Seven Dirty Words
PLEASE do not click this link if GRAPHIC language offends you! YOU have been warned!

BTW Shirley I believe you already said it!

I liked the joke but where are the blondes. OK Jokes in general now. But I still have some Blonde zingers saved up
Knowing that Miss M sells Harley items she may??? appreciate this one

What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.
Last edited by tazfrompa
Alright, I just can't stick to the blonde jokes. Big Grin

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesnt matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Alright I will go off the blonde jokes for a bit

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
Hi everybody,
Back only for a few minutes...just had to see how this thread was progressing Smile
Shirley ~~ LOVE the Jesus/Rottweiler joke! I heard that one a couple days ago...reminds me of my own lil' 90 lb. puppy.

As for ninth_wave (where IS he anyway??) I guess...Paul? or Don? No particular reason, I just don't know! C'mon ninth, here we go again!
Yeah it is Thursday night almost time to go out for a few twist-offs and a couple games of pool!

One more blonde joke and a zinger also before I go!

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
Have a great evenin' Taz!
Wonder how many posts are in 7 pages. Big Grin

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The mans wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"Youre finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari."
OK the twist-offs were great the pool was better but I darn sure missed YA'all

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet and octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play the thing!" The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off I'm gonna screw it!"
LOL Taz! Big Grin

A blonde is driving on the highway. She looks over and sees another blonde in a wheat field, rowing a boat. She stops and gets out of her car and says, "What are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the wheat field replies, "Fishing."

The first blonde says, "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and kick your butt."
Wheat field? Why is she rowing in a wheat field? Is that like trying to get rid of a yeast infection? I just do not get it?
OH well I guess that leads into corn-flakes perfectly!

Why are blondes like corn flakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Why not one more before I sign off for the night!

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
Cause wheat's wavy I guess? lol
G'night Taz. To follow your ball deodorant -

Two guys went into a bar and had a few too many beers. One got up and went into the bathroom while the other remained at the bar talking to the bartender.

All of a sudden there was a loud scream coming from the bathroom. The drunk at the bar said to the bartender that it sounded like his buddy screaming, so he went into the bathroom to investigate.

He went inside and asked his friend what the problem was. His friend said "Everytime I flush the toilet something reaches up and squeezes my balls." (can I say that? LOL)

His friend shook his head and said, You dumba$$, youre sitting on the mop bucket.
LOL @ all the jokes!

So! It's Susanne? Hmmm, nice, it goes with the eyes! Hey, how you doin'? Cool

Don't know about having a life, but need to spend time with my boy before stuffing him into bed at night, then need to spend time with OH before stuffing her into bed at night, by then too knackered to come back on here! I need my beauty sleep (boy, do I need it!)

I reckon ninth is a surfer dude (ninth wave, and the avatar), so what is a good cool surfer dude name guys? C'mon, you will all know these better than me. Wayne? Clint? Rock? Confused
Steve, sorry, you're right, I was trying to cut corners there! Red Face

here's one for you all (no animals were harmed in the making of this joke):

A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking,the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy replied, "No, what?"
"He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate, and walked out.
Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then he found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked.

"No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate
it. The same with a peanut!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me." said the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."
Big Grin Pete! I can just see that!
I guess they'd tell us if it's not okay that we're not G rated. lol

A lady walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I cant give you cyanide to kill your husband! Thats against the law. I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Dang the torpedoes and full speed ahead with the OFF Color jokes
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at werk to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
Alright we gotta get the lawyers again!
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
OK Pete I will break the politically correct barrier!
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat
dollar fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
While we wait for Pete I will post this SUPPOSEDLY true story!
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Dang... is it midnight already?"
Well, I hope this one's okay. Are we aiming for them to give us that "private" board? Big Grin

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’
OK you lot, you need to build the picture in your heads.....

Harold Smith marries Minnie, and they set off for their honeymoon. Harold unfortunately has a pronounced stutter, and Minnie has something of a nervous twitch, which gets worse when she is excited.

They arrive at their hotel, and proceed to Check In.

'H-H-H-Hello' says Harold, 'w-w-w-we have booked the H-H-H-Honeymoon Suite. I am M-M-M-Mr Smith, and this is M-M-M-Mrs Smith'.

'Welcome' says the clerk, 'and may I offer our congratulations, and wishes that your stay be a happy one? Geoffrey! Please take Mr & Mrs Smith up to the Honeymoon Suite'.

And off they all go.

15 minutes later, the clerk is puzzled that Geoffrey has not re-appeared. 'John! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey please'.

And away goes John.

15 minutes later, the clerk is even more puzzled that neither Geoffrey or John have re-appeared. 'Robert! Go up to the Honeymoon Suite, and see what is keeping Geoffrey and John please'.

And away goes Robert.

15 minutes later, the clerk is seriously annoyed that none of the porters have re-appeared. 'What the hell is going on here?' he mutters to himself, 'I'll go up myself!'

The clerk knocks on the door of the Honeymoon Suite. harold answers the door, 'T-T-Thank G-God you're h-h-here' he says, 'c-c-c-come in quick!' Fearing the worst, the clerk rushes in.

There on the bed is Minnie, spreadeagled, stark naked. Geoffrey has one arm pinned down. Likewise, John has the other arm pinned down. Robert has one leg pinned down. The men are sweating profusely, this is hard work!

The other, unfettered leg, is thrashing about wildly, as is Minnie's head.

'Oh my God!' yells the clerk, 'is she having a fit?'

'N-N-N-Never m-m-m-mind t-t-that!' screams Harold, 'g-g-g-grab that leg and p-p-p-pin her d-d-down!'

The clerk does as he is bidden, unsure what is going to happen. He turns to look at Harold, who is now tearing his own clothes off.

Harold leaps on top of Minnie, grabs a firm hold (of what you can make your own minds up), and screams.......

'W-W-W-Whoopee, l-l-l-let h-her g-g-g-go!'

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